Hairdye, Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My! ::complete::
by Diana
Summary: A story based off the Temple B-Boards. After Diana dyes Ares' hair the same shade as Hercules' hair, Ares comes up with a creative way to punish his most troublesome priestess. Story completed.
1. Notes

**Warning:** _(please read this first)_

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Dear Reader,

Although this is classified as H:TLJ & X:WP fanfiction (for lack of a better classification), I feel like I should clear up a few things before we go on. First of all, it'd be misleading to let you operate under the assumption that it _is_ Hercules & Xena focused. On my own page, I term this fiction as 'Greek Fiction'. The reason why I call it that is because most of it doesn't center around the characters of Hercules or Xena. Instead, it is revolved around the 'World of Ancient Greece' as inspired by those shows, but centers mostly on Ares, God of War (as portrayed by actor Kevin Smith), Rafe, King of Cons (as portrayed by actor Patrick Fabian) & an original character of mine, a warrior gypsy named Diana. I wanted to clear that up from the start, because if you are looking for a story where the central focus is on the main characters of the show, well then this isn't the story for you. But if you want a bit of adventure, ingenuity & a bit of wild imagination all wrapped up in the ancient world; hang on 'cause this is the story for you!

I should note that these stories (though first written from '97) have not been posted on a 'public' forum since the days of the Temple BBoards (for which they were originally written). I have wavered a long time about posting these publicly, because --of all the fiction I ever wrote-- I'm proudest of these stories & characters & they are the dearest to my heart. But-- after many years of writing them privately, I've finally come to the conclusion what is the good of having fun & original stories if they are not out there where people can read them. That is the only reason I am posting them here now.

Because of this however, I **STRONGLY** recommend that you take a moment before continuing & review the cast of characters for this story, located here: _(just copy & paste the link into your browser & it'll take you right to it. Don't forget to take out the spaces. I had to put the spaces in the URL to make the link appear for you.)_

:: http://patrickfabianonline. dawnet. net/coc/coc1. html

The reason I recommend this so strongly is because these characters have been established since 1997 & the audience I wrote these stories for was already familiar with these characters and their backgrounds. Jumping in the later portion of 'their story' (so to speak) might leave you very confused unless you are already aware of who 'these people' are. (grins) It is a fully illustrated look at the main & surrounding characters of my little 'Greek World' & will bring you up to date so that you should be able to follow my stories with ease. I've tried to make them as thorough as possible, but if you still feel confused, feel free to send me your questions & I'll do my best to clear up any remaining confusion. To a certain extent, if you clicked on this story to read, you are probably someone familiar with the world of Hercules & Xena anyway -- so it shouldn't be too hard to follow from there.

Finally, this formatting is NOT my friend. I much prefer my stories with pictures & colors & lively fonts to decorate them, but I can understand why must decline such trappings & insist on uniformity to make the stories easily downloadable & readable for all. Still, if you'd like to see the stories as they were meant to be seen, you can download them in .doc format at the website below, complete with pictures & colors & original artwork to be enjoyed: _(don't forget, take spaces out of the link before redirecting your web browser.)_

:: http://patrickfabianonline. dawnet. net/coc/fiction. html ::

Thank you, my friends -- & I hope you enjoy these stories as much I've enjoyed writing them all these years!

Sincerely,

Christy (still known as Diana in some circles & proud of it!)

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**Legal stuff: **

**Title:** Hairdye, Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My! (sequel to 'Brotherly Love')  
**Author:** Diana  
**Rating:** PG-13 (language :: innuendo :: mild sexual content)  
**Disclaimer:** The following productions & characters are not associated with me:  
H:TLJ & X:WP :: Rob Tapert, USA/MCA Studios, Renaissance Pictures, All of the priestesses in this story belong to their respective authors & are used with **permission** :: The character of Diana is mine & may **not** be used in other fanfic without my exclusive permission. Do **not** archive or repost without contacting me. Story © :: 2004-2007 Christy Burk.**  
Summery:** In 'Brotherly Love', Diana pulls a practical joke on Ares when she dyes Ares' hair the same shade of brown as Hercules' hair & changes his clothes so he appears dressed as Hercules. This doesn't go over well with the God of War when he discovers the changes. This story details the God of War's revenge on his most troublesome priestess!  
**Feedback: **Would be appreciated.  
**A/N:** I'm horrible I know. Would you believe I've already written half a sequel to this, not to mention I'm planning a third story 'in the works', even though I haven't come _close _to _finishing this! _(sighs) Kari -- you are killing me! Still, it's become my goal to finish this story by the end of the month. Just 3 chapters & an epilogue, surely I can force my muse to focus long enough for that, right? (sighs)

Christy

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	2. 1

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Hairdye & Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My!  
Part 1/3

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Scene takes place immediately following the events of 'Brotherly Love'---  
_(the highlights will be recapped below for your reading convenience)_

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The mirror flew straight upwards as if propelled by some supernatural force. A golden lightning bolt streaked through the air, searing it with the smell of raw power. It hit the mirror, shattering it into a million fragments that rained down upon the marketplace, sending people shrieking and running like antelope charging down the African horizon. Hercules, being the good little hero he was, assisted an elderly couple away from the falling glass. Iolaus tried to shield his head as best he could and Autolycus was curled up so tightly on the ground from laughter that no glass could possibly get into his little cocoon. Occasional giggles and wheezes for breath proved he was still alive. Only Ares remained stationary, his anger too great for him to notice the reflective rain that was pouring down around him on all sides.

"DIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

… back at the temple …

* * *

At the sound of her name being bellowed so loud even she could hear it over the restless horses, Diana straightened, unable to hold back her grin. She stretched out her aching back. She had been shoveling now for about three hours. It was amazing how gross Ares' stables grew whenever she stayed out of trouble.

Fortunately, that was a rare occurrence.

Calipso shook her head warningly. She was leaning against the wall, watching her gypsy friend. It hadn't taken long to find her. Anyone who knew Diana knew Ares' stables were a second home to her.

"Di, I told you. I told you this was a bad idea from the beginning. Looks like Ares found out."

Diana only nodded her agreement. She didn't bother to face Calipso for her response. She just kept shoveling relentlessly. "Looks like it."

"He was bound to find out sometime. You can't hide a thing like that forever."

"Nope. Guess not."

"Diana, you do know he is going to kill you for this. You do know that, don't you?"

"Yep. Seems likely."

"Di?"

"Hmm?"

"Doesn't _anything_ bother you?"

Diana finally turned to face Calipso, wiping the sweat off her brow as she did so. "Yes actually. There is something that bothers me."

"And that is…?"

"Spending another hour in this stable. Now please Cal, can you give me a hand? I'm almost done, only one stall left to muck."

"Oh no. You got yourself into this extracurricular activity and I'm not bailing you out this time."

Diana sighed and turned back to her work. There were times when she thought she was getting a little old for this. Her life had been a wild one and she was relatively sure she was not destined to spend the end of it shoveling horse waste for the Gods. It was merely her misfortune in life that she was born unable to resist a really good joke. And that Ares had been born entirely without a sense of humor.

"Still I suppose there is an upside to all this," Calipso mused quietly. "No one else in the Temple needs to worry about having stable duty for oh—three months at least, I'd say."

"Calipso, if you don't have anything helpful to add, I do wish you'd shut up. Anyway, stable duty is not going to be a problem anymore."

Calipso slanted a golden brow. "Oh? Do tell? With your proclivity for getting in trouble, I wouldn't be hanging up any pitchforks just yet."

Diana grinned and leaned on her pitchfork knowingly. "Oh I didn't say I wouldn't be doing anymore stable duty. In fact, I highly suspect that will be Ares' punishment for me. I just said it wouldn't be a problem."

"Really?"

"Yep. Not now that I'm getting the SSS Super-Stable-Scooper 3000. Takes all the guesswork out of cleaning your stables. It's energy efficient, friendly to the environment and its not tested on animals. Built with a 4 Trojan horsepower engine, it does the big jobs others can't. Comes with a limited warranty and its own compact leather carrying case. Not available in the Marketplace, only through this exclusive offer. Big Savings if you act now." Diana broke off her bad infomercial speech and poked herself proudly in the chest. "So, I did. It's being overnighted by Athenian Post today."

Calipso stared at her as if she had suddenly turned to a vampire and started snacking on the horses. "Di, are you out of your mind? Who sold you this… this thing? What if it doesn't work?"

"Oh that's covered Cal. Comes with a 100 satisfaction guarantee. If I am not completely satisfied, I can return it for a full refund. Besides, Salmoneus swore that it works. Says he uses his at home for…"

"You _actually_ bought from Salmoneus? OMGOW! Di, how much did you spend for this… this… this…?"

"Cal, you worry too much. It wasn't that much and besides, I got 40 off retail value for buying within the first ten minutes. I guarantee you, my stable duty problems are solved."

They were interrupted by the appearance of Arebella, who seemed out of breath, as if she had been running a great distance. "Diana, Ares demands your presence in his throne room. Pronto."

Diana halfheartedly smiled. "I suspected as much."

"I believe his exact words were: Tell her she has ten minutes or I'll come looking for her myself." Arebella took a step backward and crinkled her nose. "And I'm not sure how you are going to fit a shower into those ten minutes, but you'd better try."

Diana turned to gloat at Calipso. "See? I didn't even have to finish the last hour in here. Today is definitely my day!"

Calipso smiled dryly. "So said the smoking pile of ash…"

* * *

… ten minutes and one very fast shower later …

* * *

"You wanted to see me, My Lord?"

Ares merely turned and looked steadily at her. He didn't say anything. He didn't have to. The look on his face said it all.

"Lord Ares, is everything alright?" Diana's expression was a mask of innocence.

"Diana, I am not in the mood to play games."

"No, My Lord."

"I want a straight answer from you and I want it now."

"Yes, My Lord."

"Tell me, if you will, what exactly is wrong with my hair?"

"Your hair?"

"My hair."

"Nothing that I can see, My Lord," Diana said smoothly, not even cracking a smile. "A bit fluffier than usual perhaps, but…"

"I'm not talking about the style Diana. I'm talking about the color."

"The color?"

"The color."

"Well… now that you mention it… it does look a trifle lighter…"

"Lighter?"

"Well… more brown than black, since you brought it up. But it's a smashing shade on you, I must say. Of course I fail to see where I come into the picture. If you decided to dye your hair Ares, it's really not my place to…"

"I am not a fool, thank you. It's not just my hair that has changed, but my sideburns, moustache and eyebrows as well."

"I noticed that. Boy, when you decide on a change, you really go for the gusto, don't you?"

"It's not just that the color is brown," Ares growled. "It also happens to be the exact shade of Hercules' hair."

"Hercules' hair?"

"Diana, will you _kindly_ stop repeating everything I say?"

Diana took a step back and widened her eyes, as if stunned. "Wow. That is an amazing coincidence. Imagine, you decide to dye your hair brown and it turns out to be the exact shade of Hercules' hair. I guess it really is a small world."

"Diana…"

"Did I mention what a great color that is on you? Very becoming, there is no doubt about it."

"DIANA! You have exactly one minute of your remaining and _very short_ lifespan to tell me how long this color will stay permanent and which god you got it from!"

The smell of distant thunder began to fill the room and the tips of Diana's hair began to crackle with static electricity. She very quickly decided that being cooperative was not "giving in". It was merely "strategic retreat".

"Um, not that I am saying that I had anything to do with anything you might possibly be implying in any way, shape or form, but I might be able to hazard a guess towards the origins of the hairdye—course, this is only a guess mind you, but if you recall the day Aphrodite was trying to invent that new hair bleach and went a little too far the wrong way and she didn't leave her temple for three months…"

"THREE MONTHS! I am stuck with this Zeus-Be-Damned color for THREE MONTHS?!"

"… and you know it really doesn't look that bad, its MUCH nicer then the pink, if you don't mind my saying so…"

"I FORBADE ANY MENTION OF THE PINK! DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT THE PINK!"

"… and I'm sure 'Dite would love to help you cut and style it and did I mention that color just suits you? Brunette is you…"

"APHRODITE KNOWS ABOUT THIS? She is the biggest mouth on Olympus." Ares began to rub his temples. "I think I feel a migraine coming on."

Diana grinned sunnily at him. "Oh now everyone knows God's don't get headaches."

"The other God's don't have you either," Ares returned nastily. He rubbed a little harder, then cocked his head to one side. "Diana…" he began and stopped. He tried twice more to say something, then finally shook his head. He turned, strode back to his throne and dropped down in it with a heavy sigh. He braced his arms on the armrest and steepled his fingers, resting his chin on them as he stared at Diana intensely. "What am I going to do with you, gypsy?"

"Oh you needn't point me to the stables, My Lord," Diana continued cheerfully. "I'm well aware of where those are located. So I'll just be off then, shall I?"

She turned to go, but Ares stopped her by clearing his throat.

"Not this time."

Diana turned, a strange prickling at the back of her neck. "I'm sorry?"

"I said, not this time Diana."

There was silence in the room for a solid minute. Ares himself was savoring it. Firstly, because silence wasn't something that happened around Diana very often. But mostly because he could read exactly what was going through her mind in her expression. It usually wasn't like that. Diana typically had an inscrutable expression that could make Xena foam at the mouth with envy. But all that changed when she was confused. He could taste the fear in her now. She had clearly expected him to punish her with stable duty, but this time he had done things differently. He was acting out of character, which made him unpredictable and that had Diana really, really nervous. Perhaps for the first time, she was truly tasting the consequences of her actions.

"What do you mean, My Lord?"

Ares made her wait a little longer before he responded. Watching her squirm was more fun then he thought it would be. "I mean, I've decided on a different punishment for you this time."

When he didn't elaborate further, Diana started to babble out of sheer nervousness. It always was her weak spot to talk too much when she was in a jam.

"Look Ares, I'm really sorry ok, but it was just a joke. I didn't mean anything by it. I was just playing with you, that's all. C'mon! Where is your sense of humor? It's like not anyone really cares what color your hair is, it's all about the person you are on the inside. Hasn't anyone ever told you that? You just keep being your gruff, coarse, disgusting self and no one will ever notice the diff—"

"Diana," Ares interrupted coldly. "Did I ask for an explanation? You are going to be punished. There is no other alternative. Right now, it is merely a question of how."

Diana was literally shaking at this point. "Well—you could give me extra weapons training I guess," she whispered. "Or you could make me practice my—" she shuddered, "—archery."

Ares remained silent again just for the sheer hell of it. Diana shifted from foot to foot.

"Please Master… wh-what are you going to do with me?"

Ares stifled a grin. Zeus, this was fun! She never called him 'Master' unless she was really groveling.

"What do you think I should do with you, my pet? You disrespected me in my own Temple, humiliated me in front of my priestesses and—" he winced, "—my… HALF-brother. Dressing me up as Hercules? Diana, that is a very _particular_ and serious insult."

"Ares—I'm sorry."

"And you think that will fix everything? You do this continuously! You keep disrespecting me and then thinking that a simple apology—can—" Ares slowly trailed off. He looked thoughtful as he stood and started pacing in front his throne. Diana tried to interrupt once, but he shushed her with a wave of his hand and kept pacing.

Finally he stopped and faced her directly, a speculative gleam in his obsidian gaze. "Yes. Yes I think that will do it."

Diana stared wide-eyed at him. "What? WHAT?!"

Ares finally let his grin go and it slid across his face with a slow, evil smirk. Diana saw it and knew she was knee deep in it now. "From now on, Diana, you will be my official complimentor."

There was silence again, but this one definitely was owed to shock.

"Your—what?"

"Yes. Whenever people aren't showing proper respect for a God, or any priestesses get the urge to say something, well, nasty, or I'm feeling down for some reason, or I've had to actually make an appearance at Olympus—it will be up to you to remind of just how perfect I am."

"Your official COMPLIMENTOR?!"

"Yes Diana. Your hearing is excellent."

"You can't be serious! My Lord…"

"Oh but I am. With your boundless _creativity_ and glib tongue, I know I can count on you to do a good job."

"Ares, are you _trying_ to make me the laughingstock of the _entire temple_?!"

Ares couldn't hold back his smirk. "Oh no my sweet. I think you do that just fine on your own."

Diana looked like a lost puppy. "You don't mean it. You cannot possibly mean…"

"I am quite serious. You _will_ be there at _every_ occasion I require, you _will_ do nothing but compliment me and say pleasant, nice, respectful things in and out of my presence and you _will_ not disobey any of these commands or else the consequences will be extremely severe. This is a drop in the bucket compared to what I will do if I find out you are working behind my back, have I made myself _quite_ clear?"

"But _Ares_…"

"I _said_, have I made myself _quite_ clear, **DIANA**?"

Diana hung her head, sinking to her knees wearily. "Yes My Lord."

Ares nodded in satisfaction. "Oh yes… and one more thing. I fear I have been too lenient with you priestesses in the past. That is how things get out of hand like this. Diana, you will be the eyes and ears behind my back. You will promptly inform me anytime one of my acolytes or priestesses says something derogatory about me behind my back, while of course refraining from such behavior yourself, so that I may take the appropriate action to discipline them."

Diana's jaw dropped and she shot to her feet, almost tripping in the process. "Lord Ares, I've been many things I'm not proud of in my life, but never have I been a tattletale!"

"It's not tattling to inform me when a priestess is behaving disrespectfully towards her Lord. But that is the most ironic thing about this scenario—" Ares paused and looked at Diana with a sly grin, "—that nobody in the temple would suspect you."

"You are going to make me the most unpopular priestess in the entire temple!"

"Much as it may pain you to hear this, I don't give a damn about your popularity Diana. You will obey my orders and you will do it without question. Now you are dismissed."

"But… but…"

"Go!"

Diana's mouth kept opening and shutting like a fish, but no words came out. What was there to say anyway? Ares was not backing down on this one and she had about as much chance of getting out of this as an unlucky skier in an avalanche.

She started to exit, but Ares stopped her again. "Oh one last thing. If you dare try to lie to me about the other priestesses and I find out, you will regret it. Don't forget that."

"No, My Lord."

Diana turned and stalked out, not quite as meekly as her tone of voice would indicate. Ares waited patiently. It was very unlike Diana to leave the room without at least trying to get in the last word.

His patience was rewarded for as soon as she reached the corridor outside the throne room, her words floated back to him.

"Oh my **WAR GOD**!"

Ares chuckled.

"And don't you forget it!"

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	3. 2

Hairdye & Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My! (part 2/3)

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…two days later…

* * *

"Do we serve the God of War or don't we? That's what I want to know. This whole situation is purely disrespectful. It's outright insult to who Ares is and what he represents. And what has he done about it? To this point? Nothing. Not. A. Thing. I don't know about you, but when I pledged my life and service to Ares, it wasn't so he could back down just because the law stepped in. He's the God of War. He IS the ultimate LAW and that damn well needs to be made clear to anyone who thinks differently."

Diana winced as she approached the door of the temple atrium. This was not what she needed to hear. Normally, she would be more than happy to join in an Ares' rant and had plenty of her own ammunition to fuel the fire. Especially now. But unfortunately, Ares had taken that simple pleasure away from her, along with all the others. Damn him anyhow.

"Bella, Ah see ye point and understan' ye frustratioon. But we canna ferget Lord Ares 'tis a verra just lord and mebbe has a plan we canna ken now. We mun be patient and let his Lordship do as he sees fit, wither ye agree wit' Ares decision or noo. 'Tis noo matter how fashed ye are; still His tae decide, even if it 'tis a daft one."

Ok, the brogue was unmistakable. That was definitely Ro. But Ro was facing 3 weeks of stable duty anyway, thanks to Di's big mouth. Even Cloud was snubbing the gypsy now; guilt by association. There was no way in Tartarus that Di was going to report to Ares that Ro called him 'daft'; even if she wasn't entirely sure what 'daft' meant (and Ares probably didn't know either). Still, when had Ares even needed a reason to throw a tantrum? Hmm. Time for a sudden bout of convenient amnesia.

Ares had called a full temple meeting and every priestess was required to attend, unless specially excused by Ares. There was a temple in Laodicea that had been dormant for a while. Ares himself had not been there in over a year and very few priestesses even remained there anymore.

But she didn't have to go early. Other priestesses would be arriving as duties allowed. Ares had called a full Temple-wide meeting and with as many priestesses as he had, that took time to pull together. She could wait until after the meeting began, then slip nonchalantly into the back with the next group to go in. If she kept a low profile long enough, surely all of this would blow over.

She stepped away from the door and made it about two steps before hitting a – very – solid barricade.

One that smelled deliciously of Bay Spice.

Diana took a step back, trying to clear her head and eyed Ares cautiously. "Pardon me, My Lord."

Ares crossed his arms over his muscular chest and gazed at her. He was not openly smirking, but a suspicious gleam in his onyx gaze hinted he was gloating in silence. "You weren't thinking of skipping out on my meeting, were you?"

"No! Course not, My Lord." Diana tried her best to sound shocked by the idea. "I was just—just—" Hell, there had to be something she could be doing that wouldn't get her sentence lengthened. Too bad she couldn't claim the usual stable duty excuse. "—um I was just getting a drink of water."

"No problem."

Ares snapped his fingers and a goblet appeared in Diana's hand. She peered inside; gazing at a clear liquid she could only hope was water. "That was easy, wasn't it?"

Diana stared at him, her mouth half open.

"Now go on. They are waiting for you."

Diana tossed her pride to the wind. She couldn't take this anymore. It was time to beg. "Ares, I was way out of line. I had no right to embarrass you in front of Hercules and your priestesses. I am really sorry for what I did. I swear I will never do this again. You have to believe me!"

Ares gazed down at her, a quizzical golden light in his eyes. "I know you won't," he said quietly. He reached out and caught a stray black curl between his fingers, hooding his gaze in the process. He held it for a moment; then carefully smoothed it back into place. The gesture was unexpected and seemed almost affectionate.

"Ares..."

Ares gave her a gentle push in the direction of the door. "Go."

Diana stared at him helplessly. He was really going to make her do this. She didn't have a choice.

She slowly opened the door and slipped inside, trying to make herself as invisible as possible. Fortunately, her presence didn't cause much of a stir. Diana looked for a place in the very back of the room to sit. The last thing she wanted at the moment was to draw attention to herself. Unfortunately the fact that she was making a discreet entrance and quietly besides was so unusual, it was drawing attention. A few priestesses waved a greeting to her, so Diana tried to look natural as she waved back. She found herself a place that would hopefully be out of the line of fire. The more she could avoid catching Ares' eye, the better off she'd be.

But good fortune was with Diana. The quiet entrance would have received more notice, but Arebella was just building to her rant now and she made a much better show than the gypsy.

"I think it's Xena who is responsible for this lackluster attitude," she continued. "If he didn't spend every spare moment of every single day moaning and wailing about what he lost, then Laodicea would be a grease spot in the road by now."

Diana bit the inside of her lip to keep from any instigating remarks. She longed to agree and instead had to keep quiet. More than that, she had to keep an ear out for anything that would be _traitorous_ to her liege Lord. For Zeus sake, they were _Ares_ priestesses, not _Dite's_. Every word out of their mouths was traitorous.

"Well, I don't see why we can't just leave it alone," Rusty said laconically. She stretched out her legs and slung one off the armrest of her chair. "I mean after all, this is Ares matter. He is handling it the way that he sees fit. If he wants to close down that temple in Laodicea, that is his right. He doesn't have to answer to us, Xena, the guards or anyone else about it. It's his temple; let him do it his way."

"This is not about the temple," Bella argued. "This is about Xena. If it wasn't for his preoccupation with her, there wouldn't be any of this "oh I'm gonna be a nice magnanimous kiss-all-the-babies politically correct" god stuff. We'd be a "respect me or there'll be smoking piles of ash everywhere" time."

"Even if it is about Xena," Red interrupted. "It's still Ares dealing with the situation. It's not our call to tell him how to deal with Xena or anything else."

"Maybe so. But I didn't come to this temple to serve Xena, Warrior Bitch. I came to serve Ares, God of War. That's why I'm here. And I would hope that Lord Ares would appreciate us coming to his aid in the matter. I stand ready to defend him and his temple... _any_ of his temples... from being trashed and boarded up like some abandoned slum shack. The God of War is not dormant. His temples are not dormant either. I'm not going to stand for this."

A cry of supporting battle screams split the air and Diana resisted the urge to bury her head under a table. Why did this have to happen now? Bella was being vocal, but that wasn't news. And anyway, she wasn't saying anything that most of the other priestesses weren't already thinking. The circumstances that surrounded the closing of the Laodicea Temple were highly controversial right now. It was an older temple, one that Ares hadn't even visited in months. No one had really. There were a few acolytes who managed the place, but nothing significant had happened there in... oh, at least a year or two. It was just -- there.

But Laodicea had recently decided to make the city more accessible to the rest of the Grecian world, so they started building a new road right through the plot where the temple stood. Without bothering to inform the Lord of War or any of his servants, the authorities in Laodicea skipped directly to kicking out the acolytes and boarding up the temple, which they declared to be a 'rundown eyesore'. This, as expected, did not go down well once the news reached Cenchrea. The temple was torn over the issue, some wanting Ares to lead an army and tear through Laodicea, teaching them a lesson for this insult. And some insisted that since they didn't use that temple anymore, what did it really matter if it was demolished and they didn't have the time or resources to waste in a war with Laodicea, so why stand in the way of progress? There were strong arguments on both sides and Diana really wasn't sure how she felt on the issue, though Bella's stance was perfectly clear. But the reason Ares had called this meeting in the first place was to discuss and resolve it to everyone's satisfaction.

The arguing in the meantime had grown fiercer. Diana alone remained silent. Had she any clarity of thought at the moment, she would have realized that was an unwise move on her part. It was bound to draw more attention than simply joining in the spectacle. But her mind was too busy whirling with other thoughts, specifically along the lines of 'what will Ares say about this when he gets here' and 'will he blame me for this'? Red noticed Di's preoccupation and nodded in her direction.

"So quiet Di? That's unlike you. What do you think we oughta do?"

_"I think we should go to the Laodicean's, kick their ass, take our Temple back and when they get pissed; give 'um Ares to deep fry,"_ was what Diana did _not_ say --though she desperately wanted to-- because Ares had excellent hearing and had been way too creative lately for her peace of mind. Instead, she repressed her death wish and with a surge of unnatural self control, she replied softly, "I think we should let Lord Ares handle the situation his way. I'm sure we can trust him to do what's best."

This got her sudden silence and a look from her surrounding priestesses that defied description. Darielle was the first to recover.

"Um, Di? Are you feeling ok?"

Diana groaned inwardly. _Oh Helios! Here it comes!_

"Fine, just fine," she snapped, a shade impatiently. Dari lifted a suspicious brow.

"It's just that, of all the people to agree with Ares, you are certainly—"

Di cut her off. "Look, it's _His_ Temple right? Let him bloody well make the decision about it."

Calipso, who was there the fateful day that saw Di toted before Ares Throne for the Herc escapade, didn't know _exactly_ word-for-word what was going on, but she was all too familiar with Ares line of thought and had a pretty good guess. And now her amusement was evident as she watched the scene, more aware than anyone else of why Di was suddenly a model priestess.

"That would be a good idea," Krista agreed. The Egyptian priestess was fully backing Bella's agenda of kicking Laodicean ass. "Except for the fact that Ares isn't fighting for his Temple. And if he doesn't take a stand for his rights now, it is going to cause a whole slew of problems down the line for all of us."

"I'm telling you, this is Xena's fault," Bella added. "That woman has gotten on my very last nerve. She struts around and pretends to be a hero, when really she is a self-righteous pain in the ass. She's taken the God of War we all love and torment and caused him a complete mental breakdown."

"C'mon. You are all just focusing on the negative side of Ares. He--he has—" Diana took a dramatic pause, both to warm to her point and to silently pray for forgiveness for the monstrous lies she was about utter, "--he has so many good qualities."

The other priestesses stared at her. "Name one," said Ro, the concise.

Diana shot her a fulsome glare that promised vengeance at a later date and wracked her brain for a _good_ quality that could pass creditability on Ares behalf. "Well, you know Ares..." she stalled with a nervous laugh. "He's so... so... well, yeah um..."

_Hell. There had to be something. What were the virtues again? Love--no. Joy--no. Peaceful--um no. Kind to animals? Sigh._ _She was so screwed.  
_  
"So...?"

"...so active in the community," Diana finished weakly. Hey, it was true, right? If there was one thing Ares definitely was, it was active in the community. There was not a God on Olympus more community-oriented than he was. Nobody said it had to be in a good way.

"Active in the community?" said Calipso, the very first words she had uttered since Di got there. Her blue eyes were literally twinkling with amusement. "Verrrrrry slick, Di!"

Diana changed the direction of her glare. After the damn stunt Ares pulled on her, she was in no mood to be patronized. "Cal, you can just go take a flying f—"

Fortunately the rest of her explicit --and rather vulgar-- thought never got vocalized. The door opened with a forceful thrust and the withheld breath of every priestess present was expelled in a whoosh when they realized it was just—

"Strife!"

Strife looked excited, never having been the center of such feminine attention before. "Oh nice," he purred, looking over the priestesses as if they were just presented to him as gifts for a harem. "Maybe I should go out and come back in again, if that's the kind of reaction I'll get."

"If you go out, stay gone this time," Red grumbled, in no mood to deal with the godling, though she rarely ever was.

Calipso, however, ignored her brother entirely. She was still hellbent on provoking Diana, for the opportunities to do so were so few and far between. "And what made you suddenly throw your bets into Ares camp, Di? Usually you like to offer your opinion whether it's asked for it not, rather than resigning yourself to whatever Ares chooses to do."

Diana glared. "I'm just saying it's HIS temple, that's all," she snapped defensively. "We need to band together and support him in this time of his need."

"And I agree with Di," Jocasta piped up from the back of the room. "I think we should support Ares. His temple; his call."

"And Di's penance," Cal murmured, low enough only for Diana to hear. Diana scowled in her direction.

"Cal," she said warningly. "It takes a long time to get the smell of manure out of bedsheets, do you get me?"

"Now, now Di, wouldn't that be crossing the lines of your parole?" Cal returned easily. "Wouldn't want it to slip out to my Uncle that you haven't been playing nicely with others."

"Cal, you are cruising for a _serious_ bruising! You'd better watch your step. I am not threatened by hind blood you know." She waved a hand inclusively towards the surrounding priestesses and finished loftily, "And we are not threatened by stable duty _either_."

"Whoom be the 'we' ye are referrin' tae in that sentence, mah butter-mouthed mavoureen?" Ro's eyes narrowed with suspicion. "Ah dinna recall agreein' tae any o' ye daft schemes."

Diana bit her lip, recalling Ro's own little excursion with stable duty. _Oops!_ Before she could reply, Red cut in.

"Speaking of schemes, I think Ares stumbled onto your most recent one Di! Last time he put you on KP duty, he figured out where those experimental meals Falafal made went after Gragus had diarrhea for a week. He decided to put a stop to that, so he put Gragus in a place that, quote: _you never go_."

Diana paused. Ares had a twisted sense of justice. And recent events had proved the boundless limits of his creativity. What would he consider a place she never went?

"And where might that be?"

"His bedroom."

_That BASTARD!_

Diana bit her tongue again to keep from saying it aloud. _Temper, temper Di!_ How did he manage to stay one step ahead of her? It was so inconsiderate, especially when she worked so hard at getting the best of him.

"I've tried to be nice, but now I'm just going to have to kill someone," she muttered grimly to herself. At the moment, it didn't particularly matter who. Ares, Calipso and all the other priestesses finding amusement at her expense were equally attractive choices. It may simply be a matter of who didn't move out of the way fast enough.

_And since the topic of beating someone up is introduced…_

Diana turned to Strife, a dark light in her eyes. "Oh Strifey," she sang. Strife cringed back, knowing that look all too well.

"Hey, Uncle Ares said ya have to be nice to me. Besides, he is waiting for you to prepare the way so he can enter the meeting."

"_Prepare the way_," Diana echoed, anger momentarily overtaken by confusion. "His Arrogantness wants me to _'prepare the WAY'_? What the hell do I look like? One of his _priestesses_?" She paused to think that last part over, then sighed in resignation. "Fine. I know I am going to regret asking this, but how do I _'prepare the way'_ exactly?"

Strife told her.

There was silence for a full three minutes.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me…" Diana hissed finally. Strife grinned wickedly.

"Fun as that'd be, I'm not. These are Unc's orders. Cross my heart and swear to ultimate Chaos"

"He cannot be serious. He SO cannot be SERIOUS! He really wants me to roll a _red_ carpet out for him?"

"Very serious. You know how Uncle Ares is about jokes. I believe his exact words were: "Tell Diana when she mouths off that her only other option includes a good spanking."

There was silence again, though not any shorter than the first. Diana's face had turned an interesting shade of purple, mottled with red. Veins were beginning to pop out in unattractive places on her forehead. Her fists were clenched and her eyes were narrowed to almost pinpoints. Unknowingly, her expression mirrored the expression Ares wore in the marketplace at the start of the escapade. Strife moved back several feet from sheer self preservation.

"I'm just the messenger," he squeaked, knowing drawing attention to himself was not wise, but it was worth the risk to remind Diana he was _not_ the target she really wanted.

Diana said nothing. Her expression was growing stormier by the moment and her silence grew thicker, angrier, but she kept a rein on her tongue. In a whiplash blur of movement, she reached out and grabbed Strife by the safety pin studded lapels of his outfit and dragged him parallel with her face; something the godling greatly desired, but in his fantasies she always looked passionate and 'come hither', not pissed off. The compromise was not worth it.

"Where. Is. It?" Diana gritted out. Strife couldn't reply fast enough.

"Outside the door. Di, don't kill me. It wasn't my idea."

Diana dropped the whining godling without a second look, growled something unintelligible and stomped to the door of the atrium. It took her less than five minutes to retrieve the large roll of velvet carpeting and most of that was Diana's growling and spitting temper. She stalked back in, rolled out the thick carpet and straightened it under the watchful and amused eye of the other priestesses; who had no idea what Di had done to deserve this, but by the Gods it'd had to be good! Then Diana, as if led by invisible strings, straightened, turned to face everyone and cleared her throat for attention. She tried to smile, but it had a stiff, forced look to it and the glint in her green eyes said unspoken volumes.

"Announcing His--," she hesitated, as if wagering some internal battle against invisible cue cards which only she could read. Her voice was firm and unwavering, but her expression didn't agree with anything she was saying. "—Gracious Lordship, Ares, The God of War, The Prince of Olympus, Sovereign Lord of Greece, Patron Saint—" she choked a bit, "—'cuse me-- of all Grecian Warriors, Penultimate God to which all must be subject to--" she coughed again, "--sorry, bit of something in my throat there-- and Wonderful Lord that we all, er all... adore." She said the last word as if it physically hurt, ejecting it with such violence that it embedded itself as deeply in the listener's eardrums as a weapon would in the far wall.

Ares strutted into the room, looking proud as a rooster with in the henhouse. He walked slowly and majestically up the red carpet, giving everyone plenty of time to admire him. And he was a specimen worth admiring. Regal head tossed back, glossy black --who knew how or when he dyed them back to his natural color-- curls spiraling in a magnificent mane around his shoulders; he strode with a catlike grace that put any king to shame. His leathers were resplendent, every stud gleaming and his boots reflected light like a mirror. There was an intake of breath around the room as everyone ogled the War God, unable to look their fill. All, that was, save one. And that one was glaring straight into Ares eyes, too angry at the moment to be awed by the otherwise breathtaking sight.

"Welcome My Lord," Diana tossed the words at him like weapons, locking eyes with him in a staredown of pure defiance. Ares stared her back, smugness oozing from every pore.

"Thank you Diana," he replied, calm and secure. "You may bow."

It was hard to know what Diana would have said to that. It was possible she would have said nothing either way, because the way her jaw dropped was not conducive to smart-assed remarks. But whatever may have happened, she caught herself in time, bit her lip and dropped into a curtsey that was pretty, if not submissive. Ares waved her back up with a nonchalant grace.

"You may go," he continued smugly, obviously enjoying himself.

If looks could kill, Ares would be stuffed and mounted on the wall already, or at least whatever sufficiently large bits of him remained to be stuffed and mounted. But Diana still magically held her tongue and stepped away, if such a delicate word could be applied to what she did. Her stomping was louder and quite sulkier than usual, but Ares chose not to notice.

"Very good. I see we are all here." He settled back in his throne and draped a leg indolently over the side. Tapping a finger against the armrest, his gaze slid over the collective of women impassively.

"There are several matters I wish to address today. However, first I'd like to draw to your attention the lack of respect I've noticed lately. For example, some of you in this room, this is the first meeting you've attended in six months. Now I am a forgiving God as you well know, but such insolence will not be tolerated any longer. I trust that I am making myself clear." He paused and glanced meaningfully around the room a moment before continuing. "Now, I understand that we are ready to discuss the Laodicea situation?"

"Yes M'lord," Jocasta agreed, eager to keep the peace. She could feel the tension building in the room and was doing her best to ease it. "We are eager to hear what your plan is. Diana suggested it would be best to let you decide, seeing how it is _your_ temple."

"Did she? How astute of her," Ares said dryly, glancing at the gypsy. All he got in response was a glare. He sighed. "Very well. Who would like to start the proceedings?" Without leaving a pause, his gaze fell again on Diana and he smirked. "How nice of _you_ to volunteer, Diana."

Diana scowled, but inwardly. "Did I?" she replied flatly. "How presumptuous of me." She stood reluctantly to her feet and continued with no enthusiasm. If there was a trace of sarcasm in her voice, it was well hidden.

"I move that we proceed as you direct, Lord Ares. Surely it is worthless for us to discuss our views, when yours are so much better -- you being infinitely wise and all knowing of course."

"True," Ares agreed unabashedly. "Nevertheless, I wish to hear _your_ views on the matter, Diana. I have a feeling they will prove most -- _entertaining_."

"I doubt they will be of much consequence, seeing as you are the ultimate decision maker here. But if you wish it My Lord, it pleases me to obey you." With a uniform glance that revealed nothing, Diana began her speech. "Friends and fellow priestesses, you are all familiar with the incident surrounding the closure of our Laodicea Temple. It is the gravest of insults that it should be boarded up, not only without our knowledge, but also without our permission. While it's true that the Temple was seldom used, it is nevertheless still the property of our esteemed Lord and it's not public domain that it can be demolished by the whim of a city. It's my belief that we should take action against Laodicea for this threat against Lord Ares sovereignty. We stand united, ready to follow your orders -- My Lord." With that, Diana looked at Ares, silently indicating that it was his turn to take over. Ares nodded and she sat down gratefully.

Diana said nothing. Her expression was growing stormier by the moment and her silence grew thicker, angrier, but remarkably she kept a rein on her tongue. In a whiplash blur of movement, she reached out and grabbed Strife by the safety pin studded lapels of his outfit and dragged him parallel with her face, something the godling usually greatly desired, but in his fantasies she always looked passionate and 'come hither', not pissed off. The compromise was not worth it."Where. Is. It?" Diana gritted out. Strife couldn't reply fast enough."Outside the door. Di, don't kill me. It wasn't my idea." Diana dropped the whining godling without a second look, growled something unintelligible and stomped to the door of the atrium. It took her less than five minutes to retrieve the large roll of velvet carpeting and most of that was Diana's growling and spitting temper. She stalked back in, rolled out the thick carpet and straightened it neatly under the watchful and very amused eye of the other priestesses; who had no idea what Di had done to deserve this, but by the Gods, it had to be good! Then Diana, as if led by invisible strings, straightened, turned to face everyone and cleared her throat for attention. She tried to smile, but it had a stiff, forced look to it and the glint in her green eyes said unspoken volumes."Announcing His--," she hesitated, as if wagering some internal battle against invisible cue cards which only she could read. Her voice was firm and unwavering, but her expression didn't seem to agree with anything she was saying. "—Gracious Lordship, Ares, The God of War, The Prince of Olympus, Sovereign Lord of Greece, Patron Saint—" she choked a bit, "—'cuse me-- of all Grecian Warriors, Penultimate God to which all must be subject to--" she coughed again, "--sorry, bit of something in my throat there-- and Wonderful Lord that we all, er all... adore." She said the last word as if it physically hurt, ejecting it with such violence that it embedded itself as deeply in the listener's eardrums as a weapon would've in the far wall.

Ares strutted into the room, looking as proud as a rooster with his own harem in the henhouse. He walked slowly and majestically up the red carpet, giving everyone plenty of time to admire him. And he was a specimen worth admiring. Regal head tossed back, glossy black curls spiraling in a magnificent mane around his shoulders; he strode with a catlike grace that put any king to shame. His leathers were resplendent, every stud gleaming and his boots reflected light like a mirror. There was an intake of breath around the room as everyone ogled the War God, unable to look their fill. All, that was, save one. And that one was glaring straight into Ares eyes, too angry at the moment to be awed by the otherwise breathtaking sight.

"Welcome My Lord," Diana tossed the words at him like weapons, locking eyes with him in a stare down of pure defiance. Ares stared her back, smugness oozing from every pore."Thank you Diana," he replied, calm and secure. "You may bow."It was hard to know what Diana would have said to that. It was possible she would have said nothing either way, because the way her jaw dropped was not conducive to smart-assed remarks. But whatever may have happened, she caught herself in time, bit her lip and dropped into a curtsey that was pretty, if not completely submissive.

Ares waved her back up with a nonchalant grace. "You may go," he continued smugly, obviously enjoying himself. If looks could kill, Ares would be stuffed and mounted on the wall already, or at least whatever sufficiently large bits of him remained to be stuffed and mounted. But Diana still magically held her tongue and stepped away, if such a delicate word could be applied to what she did. Her stomping was louder and quite sulkier than usual, but Ares chose not to notice.

"Thank you Diana for that precise summation. Opposing views?"

Calipso stood. "I'm not convinced that fighting is a good move. Let's face it; the Temple established there _was_ pretty run down. We weren't bothering with the upkeep because there was hardly anyone in residence there. We can hardly blame the city for wanting to do something productive --not to mention profitable-- with the land, instead of just letting it take up space. Going to war with Laodicea would only be a waste of time and energy that could be better served elsewhere."

Bella leapt to her feet without invitation. "That would be true if the temple itself was the main focus. But this isn't about a temple. It's about the insult that the city of Laodicea would take the God of War so lightly. Such a lack of respect demands a response. The people need to know that it is wrong for them to cross the gods. Unfortunately, when acts of defiance and humiliation go unpunished, people think its ok to do whatever they want." She glanced deliberately at Ares then, "Not for the first time either."

Diana closed her eyes in a sudden pain. _Oh Helios! Here it comes. Now all Tartarus is going to break loose._

Ares narrowed his eyes. "Exactly _what _do you _mean _by that remark, Arebella?"

"My Lord, don't be obtuse. You _know _what I mean and you _know _we _know _the _real_ reason you don't want an attack on Laodicea. Xena was in residence there, shortly before her _untimely _demise. We all know you visited her there. And some sense of sentimental nostalgia is keeping you from enforcing your prerogative."

"You are on dangerous ground Bella," Ares' voice carried a subtle warning, though there was nothing subtle in his words. "Proceed at your own risk."

Arebella took a step back, smart enough to heed the warning, but courageous enough to proceed undaunted. "My Lord, you know better than to expect us to sugarcoat the facts. We all understand what you are going through and are truly apologetic for your loss." She stopped as Ares looked away. His expression didn't reveal anything, but his glower had disappeared and his eyes were unusually empty. Arebella paused to let a moment of respectful silence pass before continuing. "But life goes on, My Lord. And you are _alive_ -- not dead. Do not let the loss in your heart claim your life too. We have to make the point to Laodicea that pain has not made you weak. On the contrary, it has made you stronger than before."

Ares didn't say anything. Arebella took advantage of the silence to press her point. "On the same tack, who was it who suggested that defiance to the gods was acceptable? Xena defied you, so now others feel its ok to do it too. You _have _to show the people that you _are War! _And War does not bow down to the whims of a city. Like Diana said, 'If you let Laodicea go, where does it stop? Next thing you'll be collecting Xena's used tissues with her snot -- just for the memories.'"

Diana's cheeks flared with color as Ares' look changed directions. Oops. Er, yes -- well, she _had_ said that, about a week before this issue with the hair dye came up. She was pissed at Ares over some trivial thing -- and the remark just slipped out. She didn't expect it to be _repeated _to the God of War however, although she knew Arebella hadn't meant to say it anymore than Diana had. Bella was just trying to make a point, that's all. But Ares --who wasn't known for his ability to take a joke-- didn't seem to appreciate the humor.

"Mmm. Diana said that, did she?" he asked dryly, his black eyes hot as he stared at the unfortunate gypsy. Diana blushed as Arebella realized her mistake and tried to backpedal.

"Oh well um -- yes but, she was only teasing My Lord. Really."

"Was she?"

"Oh yes, My Lord. She would never insult you, er—"

"—to my face?" Ares finished, arching a brow. Arebella colored.

"That's not what I meant."

"Didn't you?" Ares rose and crooked a finger at Diana. "Come here, gypsy."

_Ooooohhhh Helios!_

Reluctantly Diana stood to her feet and slowly approached the God of War. Ares watched her intently as she did; arms folded over a massive chest. From his towering height and immense build he loomed over her like a dark threat of certain death.

"So you find my sentimentality amusing -- do you gypsy? Think it's something to joke about?" His voice was dangerously quiet.

Diana winced. This was not going her way at all. She'd have sworn she hadn't broken any mirrors lately. But seven years wasn't enough to encompass all the bad luck she was having in a single week.

"No My Lord!" she replied defensively. "I didn't mean that at all. I was merely trying to—" she hesitated. What had she been trying to do? Embarrass him? Mock him? Humiliate him? "—trying to lighten the mood. We were reminiscing about Xena and I felt things had grown dark, so I tried to give everyone something to laugh at. It was a failed attempt at humor My Lord. You should know better than anyone that I don't keep my mouth shut, even when I should."

"Really? I'm surprised you don't have more respect for my sentimentality Diana

-- considering it is the _only _reason that _you _are still _alive_!"

Diana swallowed. Hard. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Though usually glib, her tongue had failed this time to come to her rescue. It was huddling, terrified, in the back of her throat, much like Diana wished she could huddle in the back of the room.

Ares stared at her. "Sentimentality is a funny thing. It allows one to make a decision based on emotion, when no logical explanation for the decision exists. If I were not a sentimental god, then you --_Diana_-- would be but a memory."

Diana swallowed again and found nothing to say. Ares continued calmly.

"Luckily I _am_ sentimental Diana and because I am, I believe there are moments --however rare they may be-- when you show true promise. I never stop believing in the incredible woman you _could _be, provided you learn some restraint." He circled her, looking thoughtful. "Perhaps you're right. Perhaps I have been too lenient. Tell me Diana, would you _like_ to see me punish open defiance? Would you like me to stop _believing_ in you?"

"No," Diana replied quickly. She meant the word to be strong, but instead it came out as more of a croak. She cleared her throat and tried again. "Please Lord Ares. I never meant to offend you."

Ares' dark eyes glittered with sudden amusement. She wasn't sure what it was that made him laugh until he spoke. "That's ironic coming from _you, _Diana. You who spent your life trying to offend me."

"It's not that. It's that I—I uh…" Diana hesitated. For just a heartbeat's time, she'd actually considered telling him the truth. She looked down at the floor and sighed. How the hell did she get stuck in these situations anyway? Why couldn't she just let well enough alone?

Ares was staring at her with undisguised curiosity now, as was everyone else in the room. It was all she could do not to blush. Really, why did he have to embarrass her like this? Wasn't privately mortifying her enough for him? When she didn't continue her statement aloud, Ares prompted her.

"Yes Diana? What is it exactly?"

Diana hesitated, willing herself to come up with a good lie, one that would both pass inspection with the Boss and keep her out of trouble. It only took seconds for her gypsy roots to come to her rescue.

Donning her most dazzling smile, she curtsied deeply and replied with a cavalier attitude, "My dear God of War, I'm shocked that you haven't already guessed. You demand nothing less than the best from all of your priestesses. And I, in an effort to live up to your expectations, keep myself in consistent readiness for the schemes and wiles any of our enemies may present. I do this by continually testing myself, seeing what I can accomplish, only in the best interests of becoming a clever strategist. And who would serve as a better adversary than yourself? After all, you've proven to be my greatest challenge."

Ares smiled briefly, though his eyes revealed he believed none of it. "You've challenged me on multiple occasions. Why not move on to a new adversary?"

"Practice makes perfect," Diana cheerfully replied. Ares' lips pursed --thus bringing to life the sexiest pout in creation-- but he said nothing. He just slowly circled her again, his presence encasing her, making Diana feel edgy. She was all too aware of his closeness and the barely sheathed extent of his power. All he had to do was snap his fingers and she'd be a memory. If he even allowed _that _much of her to remain

"So all these pranks of yours are for _my _benefit?"

Diana just kept smiling. "Yes My Lord."

"Mmm. Fascinating. Can't say as I would've expected that answer. But you always have been full of surprises." He stopped his pacing in front of her and tilted his head to one side, adopting an expression which made his adorable dimples appear. Diana tried not to notice. "How engaging of you to go through so much trouble for me. As often as you seek me out, I wonder if I oughtn't feel somewhat flattered."

Diana went red and felt the urge to flee before Ares could see her blush again. It was hard to tell from his tone whether he was mocking her, but either way he was too close to the mark. Uncomfortable with the conversation, she looked desperately for a subject change. Ares cut through her thoughts, his tone still soft and a touch whimsical.

"So quiet? That's not like you, my sweet."

"I don't know what to say."

"That never stopped you before." Ares leaned in closer to her slowly and Diana forgot to breathe. His voice lowered, growing husky, as if affected by the change in position. "Is all this really for my benefit, Diana?"

"I live to serve you My Lord," Diana whispered, wishing Ares would back away. Too close for comfort he was and his words had an unmistakable sensual edge. He smiled at her, his dimples playing hell with her libido. She stared back at him, mesmerized like a mouse caught by a rattlesnake. He really _was _too damn good-looking for words, indeed he was.

"That, my sweet, is deserving of a response," he growled and without further warning, he leaned the rest of the way in and kissed her. The gasps that went up around the room, mingled with shock and envy, were nothing compared to how stunned Diana felt. She tried valiantly not to melt, but not being affected by the kiss was like asking her not to exist. It was simply impossible to ignore the magnetic way he influenced her, his kiss skillfully manipulating her, causing her to feel as if she were falling sweetly, fading away from herself and soaking in his essence to sustain her. She heard a soft groan, but was unsure whether it came from her throat or his. Not that it mattered much; they were so entwined with one another. Ares took the sound as encouragement and his lips swiftly urged hers apart, his tongue delving inside, hot and wild as he deepened the kiss. Ah. The groan was _hers_, Diana realized as she heard it again and felt her fingers sinking deeply into soft curls, clutching Ares for dear life as she floated and fell simultaneously into an incredible, unmistakably delectable kiss.

It could have only been moments, but it felt like eternity before Diana was jerked from heaven and found she could breathe again. Ares was looking down at her, eyes hot and fiery, the only indication that he was affected by the kiss. Diana on the other hand was less than subtle, gasping and pressing her fingers to her still burning mouth. Nobody else spoke, or even moved. They just stared at the show in amazed --and in some cases amused-- silence.

Diana didn't dare look at the faces behind her. She just kept staring at Ares, unsure whether to say something or grab him and kiss him again. Ares smirked at her and there was clear laughter in his eyes this time. He could read her thoughts --probably because they were plastered across her face-- and it was evident he enjoyed them.

"You may sit down now Diana," he said calmly and looked out across the assembled priestesses, "Now -- to the battle plans for Laodicea."

Diana had no choice but to turn and stumble back towards her seat. She could tell from the smirks on various faces --smirks which would disappear after meeting the business end of her sword-- that this one was going to take a long time to live down. She felt the edges of homicidal rage uncurling across her mind, fuelled by pure embarrassment. That Ares could kiss her uninvited --ok, maybe the stupefied way she was staring at him _could _be construed as an invitation, but the principle was sound-- then subsequently dismiss her so casually made her more furious than any of the other stunts he'd pulled. She wanted to kill him so bad she could taste it. That or kiss him again --which she could also still _taste _and it tasted _good_-- but damned if she'd give him the satisfaction of knowing it.

_Oh no Ares! I was just playing with you before, but now -- NOW this has officially become War!_

* * *


	4. 3

Hairdye & Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My! (part 3/3)

* * *

…three weeks later…

* * *

It was intolerable. Really it was. At first Ares' preoccupation with her had been semi-amusing, but now it was just intolerable. It'd been nearly a month since Ares first levied her sentence and it showed no signs of decreasing. Diana couldn't steal any time away for herself. It seemed every time she turned around, Ares was there, wanting to complain about some new problem – or worse, the same _old_ problems. Diana had heard all she cared to hear about his dysfunctional family, his woes with Xena and his never-ending obsession to be better than Hercules. The worst of it was, she not only had to listen, but she had to summon sympathy from some untapped resource of her soul to consistently comfort and cajole him. The whole state of affairs was growing old -- and the more frequent the visits from Ares became, the more Diana learned to dread them. Things had grown so bad; she didn't even have the time to pull jokes on him anymore. All the fun in their relationship was 'poof'. Gone.

There had to be a way to discourage Ares from using her as his personal sounding board. There had to be a way to convince him that having her as his complimentor was a bad idea.

So Diana began to plot like she had never plotted before. Plans hatched and formed in her mind and were subsequently dismissed. Various scenarios were played to every possible conclusion and Diana scrapped one after the other for fear of ending up in the same boat or worse. She bit her lip in frustration. There had to be a way to break the cycle. There had to be a way to make Ares mistrust her again.

The answer came to Diana like a windfall from heaven. It was so simple -- but if she played it right, it would work. Ares would most definitely leave her alone -- and that was exactly what she wanted.

_Wasn't it? _

Diana frowned. She couldn't understand why she suddenly felt reluctant to go through with it. There was something inexplicably -- nice -- about Ares trusting her to go to with his problems. Something that, as sappy as it was, made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes when she was listening to Ares, she'd catch herself staring at him and the stirring in the pit of her stomach, well -- it wasn't entirely unpleasant. In fact, it was really rather -- nice. More than nice. Downright -- wonderful.

_Don't be stupid, Diana. It can't go on like this. Ares is getting too clingy and you need to have a life again. It can't be all about HIM._

Diana shook her head firmly, as if to clear it. She was right of course. Ares _was _too clingy lately and if there was anything she'd learned through past heartaches, it was when Ares started growing possessive, there were dark and _dangerous_ waters ahead. She had absolutely no desire to face his obsessive side once he decided he wanted something. The last thing she needed was that obsessive fixation of his to become her.

_Course there is something to be said for a lack of stable duty. I haven't had to clean a stall in a whole month. When have I had the time?_

It was nice not to smell like horse poop for a change, granted. But Diana knew that wasn't enough of an inducement to become Ares' permanent shoulder to cry on. Maybe inducement enough to keep her out of trouble -- but she doubted it.

It was time that Ares found himself another priestess to play his surrogate mother. It was _time_ for Diana to put her plan into action.

* * *

…a day and two hours later…

* * *

The first sign Ares had of impending disaster came in the form of a laundry basket. Innocuous, certainly -- but then he didn't notice right away. It _was _laundry day and even though, being a god, he didn't have much laundry --he had a tendency to materialize and dissolve outfits at will, which gave his closet a very random element-- Jocasta generally _did _do a good job on his clothes and today was her day to do laundry.

But something made him pause and observe the basket more closely. Ares narrowed his eyes as he realized what was bothering him. The clothes were _too clean_ -- his leathers so smooth and shiny, he could see his reflection in them and a few stray shirts --which had escaped his notice and now dwelled with the mothballs in the back of his closet-- were starched and pristine, folded to military standard creases. Ares hung around some very gory landscape and was used to his laundry coming back with stains that no amount of elbow grease could remove. That was why he didn't require his priestesses to spend much time with his clothes. He could always 'summon up' new leather.

He picked up a shirt and unfolded it cautiously, not sure what to make of it. It was perfect, stainless, the wool as clean as if just sheared. He lifted the fabric to his nose and sniffed. It even _smelled _new. He frowned.

"What in Tartarus…?"

He dropped the item and went to find the priestess in question. He located her --as expected-- in the 'laundry room' of the Temple, washboard in hand. Indoor plumbing was one of concessions Ares made for his priestesses and it was a modern convenience they greatly appreciated, especially come wintertime.

"Jocasta, you've done a very nice job with my laundry," he began, leading up to the question gradually. As it turned out, he didn't even have to ask it as Jo looked puzzled.

"Your laundry? My Lord, I didn't do your laundry today."

"You didn't?" Ares hesitated, feeling nonplused. While he came to ask Jocasta about the laundry, he hadn't once considered that she wasn't the one who did it. He gathered his thoughts, rallied and came back with, "Well -- who did?"

"Diana, I think."

This caused Ares to pause again. Next to stable duty, laundry was Diana's most hated chore. She barely did it even when it was _her _laundry day. So why would she do _his _laundry when it wasn't.

"Diana?" he echoed helplessly. "Um -- _why_?"

"Dunno My Lord," Jocasta shrugged. "When I was gathering your clothes to wash them, she showed up, grabbed the bundle and disappeared without offering an explanation. I figured you must have told her to do something with them, so I didn't question it."

Ares frowned. "No I didn't," he admitted. "But they are clean. _Very _clean, in fact." He hesitated again. "I think I'd better talk to Diana about this."

Jocasta ducked another few garments into the tub of soapy water and carefully stirred them. She nodded in agreement with Ares words.

"Maybe. Seems odd to say the least. Diana isn't one for doing mysterious favors without credit. I wouldn't be too surprised if your clothes turned purple in a few days or something."

Ares frown grew deeper. "Yes -- quite possibly," he murmured suspiciously. "But she must have known I'd trace it back to her."

"That's exactly my point," Jocasta said with a smile. Her hands deftly rubbed a priestess gown against the washboard with increasing friction as she arched a brow at Ares knowingly. "It's not like Diana to not take credit for her _specialized_ _brand _of mysterious favors."

The scowl on Ares face grew black and he vanished without so much as another word. He used traces in the aether to track his errant gypsy down and it was only moments later that he found her in the Temple armory. She was polishing a sword, which Ares realized with growing horror was _his sword, _and whistling. She seemed usually cheerful. That was a really bad sign.

"_Diana_," he growled, reverting straight to anger. He had no idea what her scheme was _yet, _but he damned if he couldn't wring it out of her, "What _is this_?"

Beguiling emerald eyes stared up at him with an innocence that would've done Bambi proud. "What is what, My Lord?"

"Diana, don't you _even start_ with me," Ares hissed. He reached down and grabbing her upper arm he yanked her to her feet, causing her to drop the sword she was holding. In a lightning swift move, he flicked a wrist and the sword changed direction in midair, flying up and leaping into his fist. He sheathed it without looking at it then realized in hindsight that was not the best move.

"Tell me the truth," he barked, glaring at her. He grabbed her other arm with his free hand, circumventing any escape attempts. "Did you just put superglue on my Sword of War?"

"No, My Lord."

"Silvery, corrosive paint or acid?"

"No, My Lord."

"A different type of glue or adhesive?"

"No, My Lord."

"A mysterious solvent that deflects godly powers?"

"No! Of course not, My Lord." Diana had the nerve to look wounded by the accusations. Ares kept glaring and racked his brain for something else.

"Well what did you do to it then," he finally demanded, a suitable explanation failing to reach his thoughts. Diana looked taken aback by the question.

"I was polishing it, My Lord. Naturally."

There was silence, thick and dark. Ares tried to read Diana's thoughts, looking for an alternative explanation. But her mind was impenetrable. And her expression revealed nothing but sweet, guileless virtue. He pursed his lips together in frustration, dimples popping into play. He never realized until now what an accomplished actress she really was.

"Diana, you cannot _possibly _expect me to believe you were just polishing my sword out of the goodness of your heart! You cannot possibly think I _am _that _gullible_!" His gaze locked with hers firmly and held. "Do you?"

Diana's look was still all innocence. "Don't you want me to polish your sword, Ares?"

Ah HA!He knew it. She was acting. There was _no _innocence in that remark. It held innuendo so obvious Hestia could've caught it. Tempting it was, but he refused to be distracted and the obsidian light in his eyes didn't flicker as he tightened his grip on her arms.

"Don't play games with me Diana! What did you do?"

Diana winced and tried to pull away, but Ares sensed the movement and thwarted it, refusing her release. Diana's eyes widened.

"_Nothing._ Nothing at _all_," she wailed, squirming to be free. "I thought this would make you happy."

"Happy? You expect me to be happy?"

"Ares, you're hurting me!"

Ares' gaze aimed downward at the soft skin between his fingers and sure enough, her upper arm was starting to color. He sighed and his fingers slid away as he took a step back. Diana bit her lip and rubbed mindlessly at the injured limbs, but her eyes never wavered. She watched Ares intently, afraid of what he'd do next.

"You do realize," Ares began in a voice soft as velvet, dangerous as a crouching panther, "that if I unsheathe my sword and it doesn't pull free or if there is anything wrong with it, that you will not be _around_ long enough to offer explanations? I take my Sword of War very, _very _seriously!"

Diana raised both hands defensively. "Ares, I'd never damage your sword," she said. "How you could even think such a thing saddens me. It would be heartless and cruel, not to mention foolish."

Ares narrowed his eyes and without a word, he gripped the hilt of his sword and yanked it from the scabbard. It slid out as easily as a hot knife through butter. He examined the sword narrowly, looking past the obvious for defects. But the sword appeared normal. Try as he might, Ares couldn't find any reason to complain. The jewels on the hilt glittered wildly the light, like a thousand tiny strobe lights. The blade was blemish free and seemed sharper, shining effervescently of its own accord. It smelled like polish and ammonia and there was no trace of tampering anywhere. In years of intimate contact with his weapon, Ares had never seen it looking so good. It was too damn shiny to carry into battle. The enemy would be able to see him yards away. For half a second Ares actually wondered if that was Diana's plan, then dismissed the thought as stupid. He was a _god_. Sword or no, no one saw him coming until he wanted them to.

Diana was regarding him with an expression of wounded pride. "Satisfied?"

Ares lifted a finger. "Don't get cute. Just because there doesn't appear to be any outward damage proves _nothing. _I _know _you Diana. I know how _clever_ you think you are. You've pulled too many schemes with far reaching consequences for me to believe this benevolence act of yours is as harmless as it looks."

"I can't understand why you don't believe me," Diana said, tears appearing in her green eyes. She placed a small hand on Ares arm and stepped nearer to him. "Ares, how could you think I'd do something so malicious? I know how much your sword means to you." She shook her head in disbelief. "You asked me how gullible I thought you were, now I ask how heartless do you think I am? I wouldn't destroy your most prized possession."

"Then _why?_" Ares bellowed, his frustration hitting its peak. "_Why _are you messing with my sword? _Why _did you take my laundry from Jocasta? What is it that you _want from me_?"

"You," Diana said softly. "Just you."

Conceivably for the first time in eons, Ares jaw dropped. Out of all possible responses, he would _never _have anticipated _that _one!

"_What?_"

"Ares, I know I haven't been very respectful of you or your property in the past and I'm sorry. I was trying to make up for that, but I guess I screwed it up in some way." She sighed. "I seem to be good at that. Anyway, I'm sorry. I just wanted to make you happy."

Ares stared at her, eyes narrowed. He was still suspicious, but was finding it difficult to guess what she was truly after. "You wanted to make me happy?" he repeated disbelievingly.

Diana nodded. "Yes, My Lord. I thought doing things for you would show you how much I admire and adore you."

Ares tilted his head and his sword earring swung with the motion until it hit the hard barrier of his shoulder. His words sounded tired. "Diana, I'm really not in the mood. Are you being quite serious?"

Diana stepped even closer until there was no space between them. She leaned up towards him and Ares found himself fighting the urge to lean back. It wasn't that he minded the closeness, but there was something unnerving about her taking the lead that bothered him.

"_Quite _serious," she whispered, her lips only inches from his.

Wait. Something was wrong here.Her surrender was what he'd wanted for so long. He should be doing cartwheels with joy, but frankly she was scaring him. This was too good to be true. She hadn't held out for years to suddenly capitulate without a reason. Ares knew by instinct that his gypsy would never give in so easy.

Besides, the look she was giving him had him worried. It was soft, admiring -- downright worshipful. If he didn't know better, he'd say she had a crush on him.

"Diana—" he began, but was interrupted by pair of shoes. Flying gold shoes to be exact and they were currently adorning the feet of the biggest gossip on Olympus next to Aphrodite.

"What do you want?" Ares growled, in no mood to be polite. Hermes ignored the rude tone and flashed a sunshiny grin.

"Hey Bro! Good to see you too. How's the wife and kids?" He smirked. "Or rather, _just _the kids?"

"Do you have a death wish?"

"Well _somebody_ woke up on the wrong side of the four-poster this morning. I have a memo for you from Dad; he wants to see you pronto!"

Ares paused. Zeus wanted to see him? For the life of him, he couldn't imagine why.

"Why did he send you instead of calling me himself?"

"Don't know, but it's probably because he's still calming down Uncle 'Seidy. Seidy was pretty pissed off and still screaming at Dad when I left. I figured I'd better clear out before his trident did something slimy and irreversible to my anatomy."

Uncle Poseidon? Ares felt more confused than ever. What did Poseidon have to do with this?

"Oh good. He got my message then," Diana chimed in. Ares had forgotten was there, but the moment her words sank in both gods whirled to look at her.

"Milord, you deserve so much more recognition than what you receive," Diana continued, oblivious to their scrutiny. "I mean, you have been God of War for how many millenniums now and what do you have to show for it? Certainly not the credit you deserve for all the work you've invested. I intend to see you receive the promotion that is long overdue."

Ares' attention fixated on Diana with a mixture of curiosity and horrified fascination. "Diana, _what_ did you do _now_?"

"Well, I went and had a little talk with Poseidon. He got an attitude with me at first, but I just told him he had 24 hours to clear out or else you would kick his pruney ass back to Olympus."

Ares' jaw dropped again, making it a record two for two. "Oh shit," he mumbled, running a hand through his curly black ringlets. "Please, _please _tell me you didn't."

"Oh she did," Hermes replied, unable to hide his amusement. "I hope you have a helmet handy Bro --invisible would be best-- 'cause it's _all_ hitting the fan now. And Olympus will be stinking with gossip for _eons _after this."

Ares glared. That was all he needed. Another infamous stunt to be dragged out at Solstice and parties and the hell of it was he wasn't even to blame for this one. Not that Zeus would believe him of course. There would be the usual ranting and raving about his irresponsibility and selfishness, this time coming from two directions instead of _just _Dad. Then, worse still, there would be the _watching. _Zeus would ordain surveillance duty to whatever minor deity was out of favor with him and Ares privacy would be completely violated, just to 'make sure he didn't get out of control'. After months of the jeers, taunts and having his every move scrutinized (just when it all seemed to be over), all it'd take was one wrong word and too much elderberry wine and the whole situation would be flung in his face _again_.

He sighed and shifted his weight, fighting to repress his homicidal urges. He reminded himself that Diana had many redeemable qualities, besides being breathtakingly gorgeous. Damned if he could think of one now, but there had to be something he liked about her.

"Diana, for the millionth time today -- _why_?" he asked wearily. Diana smiled enchantingly at him and Ares struggled to keep focused on his frustration with her.

"Don't you understand? As God of the Sea, you will finally be privy to the power you _should already_ have. You'll rule, not just Greece, but the _entire _Known World. You'll be able to influence the seas surrounding in Rome, Egypt, Brittania -- all travel will depend on you. The nations of the world will be vying for your good favor. You can singlehandedly cause the rise and collapse of people and cultures all over the map. Because you _deserve it, _My Lord." Diana broke off her impassioned speech, her face red and flushed. She shyly dug a toe in the ground and without looking at him murmured, "Um, did I tell you how very handsome you looked today? Of course you are always handsome Lord Ares, but today you look -- well, you really look -- uh," she blushed and coyly fluttered her eyelashes at him, "I'm sure you can read my thoughts, so I needn't go on."

Ares could actually, now that she wasn't masking them from him and her thoughts were practically making _him _blush. What the hell had gotten into his hot-headed little gypsy? This shy, demure act of hers, it _so _was not the Diana he knew and -- and --

Not loved. Lusted after.

He would have taken her to task right then, but a bellow that shook the Temple to its very foundations echoed angrily from above. _"ARES! Nooooooooowwwww!"_

Ares grimaced. He could already smell the thunderbolts. "Couldn't you just tell Dad you couldn't find me?" he asked Hermes. Hermes shook his head so hard it threatened to snap free of his neck.

"No way Bro! Love you man, but you are _so _not gonna drag me into this. This is totally your sitch and dude's gotta face the music sooner or later." he flashed Ares the high sign and clapped him companionably on the back. "Whenever Dad and Uncle Seidy finish whooping on your ass, give me a call K? We'll totally hang out then. Peace, Bro!"

With that, he clicked his heels together three times and winked at them. "Inside joke," he said and vanished in a sparkling trail of light. The duo watched him go, Ares glowering and Diana admiringly.

"Now that's style," she said happily and grinned at Ares. "Which reminds me Boss, why don't we step up your wardrobe? Now that you are the God of the Sea, you have a reputation to maintain. Aqua blue would look so hot on you -- hunter green too. Jewel colors definitely. And white. White with your skin tone --ooohhhh talk about sexy! I see a lot of white, pants or a loose robe maybe?" She circled him, measuring with her hands as she talked. Ares eyed her warily, not unlike the former Mr. Borgia after he discovered the pill Lucrezia just gave him was _not _an after-dinner mint.

"We _will _discuss this Diana when I get back," he warned just before vaporizing away. Diana smiled sweetly -- painfully, artificially sweet.

"Of course Boss. I live only to serve you."

Ares was still glaring as the aether enveloped him, summoning him to Olympus and the foot of his father's throne. He tried to think of a strategy for dealing with this. He might as well shoulder the whole blame, he'd be blamed regardless so what was the point in involving Diana? Granted it'd be nice not to be _alone_ while he was being bitched out, but considering Diana was mortal, female and incredibly beautiful, most she'd get from Zeus would be a slap on the wrist, if that. More likely it'd be a pat on the head, a mild finger-wag and a long diatribe about 'oh you poor innocent child, corrupted by my evil son. You mustn't let him draw you into any more of his wicked schemes, there's a good girl.' Hah. Innocent indeed! All the machinations of Hell itself couldn't compare to the plotting going on behind those lovely emerald eyes of hers.

At least Diana wouldn't have to deal with eternal repercussions like he did. Say what one would about his blustering and bellowing, but Ares believed firmly that once an incident was dealt with, that was it. Subject closed. He didn't dredge up past sins every freakin' time Diana got out of line, not because he couldn't --though with Diana, it was a challenge to remember them _all_-- but because Ares hated how his family --following the example of dear old Mom and Dad-- bitterly held grudges and rehashed old dirty laundry at each opportunity. Ares thought dwelling on the past was stupid. Stuff happened. That was part of life. Deal with it and move on.

But he was not so lucky as Diana. This would haunt him forever. And future occasions at Olympus would be tainted by 'Remember the time Ares tried to kick out Uncle Seidy, ha that was a good one!' and rich chuckles at his expense. And naturally there'd be a scolding if he zapped the pants off the person who said it. Sigh.

Still, if Ares had to weather the storm, then Diana better have an explanation for this once he got back. And it better be a damn good one!

* * *

… five hours of bitching later…

* * *

"What in Tartarus _is_ it?" Ares stared at the murky brown liquid with disdain. He shook the goblet clutched in his hand, but the liquid remained the same dismal color. Red Phoenix sighed.

"It's called chamomile tea, Boss. I lifted it off an oriental tradesman. Try it. It's very soothing."

"I'm not in the mood to be soothed," Ares bit out. His ears were still stinging and he seriously doubted the suspicious-looking chamomile would do much for his pounding head. "Find me Diana -- and tell her I want to see her. Now."

Red sighed again, but knew better than to tempt him. She loved Diana like a sister, but not enough to take the bellowed lecture and stable duty that lay ahead. There were some storms a priestess just had to weather alone and though Di knowingly invited more than her share; that was the price for her finding her entertainment at the expense of a god. Red reflected as she headed for Diana's quarters that in some ways, her gypsy friend was rather stupid.

"Di," she said dryly, stopping to lean against the doorframe. The door was already open and Diana was sprawled across her bed, busily scribbling on a parchment. Red couldn't quite see what she was writing. She tilted her head, trying to get a better look. Wait. Was Diana doodling _hearts_ around Ares name?

"Di, Ares wants to see you NOW or there'll be hell to pay. I don't know why I'm bothering to deliver that message to you. God knows you've heard it so many times you oughta get it on a button or something."

Diana looked up at the sound of Red's voice. She smiled, green eyes shining happily. "He does? Oh that's wonderful!"

Red visibly hesitated. Wonderful? Er, no. She'd heard Ares' tone when he commanded Diana's presence and -- wonderful? She'd highly doubt it.

"Funny, Di. Really it is. I think it's cute that you want to play the perky type today -- but I don't think it's going to cause the Boss to ease up any."

"I don't know what you mean," Diana replied softly, her face all naiveté. "I couldn't be more pleased to be summoned by Lord Ares. It will afford me the opportunity to learn from him. I can only think how lucky I am that he is willing to allow me to be with him, to embrace his legend, to breathe in his essence. It's unbelievable that he is so generous."

"You're hilarious, Di. But I doubt you will find it so funny after Ares punishes you for whatever it is you did this time."

Diana looked bashfully at her toes. "If that is His will, then I must be punished. Ares _always _knows best."

Red scratched her head in confusion. "Di, you feeling ok? Hit your head very hard, did you? Can't remember your name, who _Ares _is, the fact that you hate him, stuff like that?"

Diana smiled angelically. "No matter what happens to me, I could never forget Ares," she said softly. "He is the core of my entire existence and I live only to praise and serve him. You should know this, Red. I know you feel the same."

Red's blue eyes widened. "Dear Gods on Olympus! You really mean it don't you?"

Diana nodded, still smiling. Red took a step back and grabbed the door to steady herself. She felt the room reel around her and knew if she wasn't holding something, she'd pass out. Diana had to be drunk -- or this had to be a dream. Or maybe they slipped through a vortex into an alternate world. Any explanation was more plausible than Diana saying all this on her own!

"I uh, I--I," Red took a deep breath as her voice cracked and tried to calm her nerves. She extended a shaky hand in a restraining manner, trying to keep Diana away. "I think I'm going to let Ares sort this out, oh strange being who looks and sounds like Diana but isn't the Diana I know. I think I'm just gonna go now and drink heavily. See ya!"

She backed out and made her exit as quick as she could, not about to speculate what was going on with Di, although in retrospect Di had always been borderline psychopathic and it seemed inevitable that she'd succumb eventually. Maybe the Furies were having a bad day? Diana enamored with Ares was truly an original torture. But, as Xena once said, it's not good to have a lunatic with _lethal _combat skills running about and so Red made her exit as rapid as if Diana's lunacy could be contagious.

In the meantime, Diana meandered to Ares throne room, a place she knew well as an old friend. Ares looked up as she wandered in and he tossed aside the goblet and leapt up from his throne. There was murder in his eyes.

"Diana! Come here!"

"Happily my Lord," Diana replied cheerfully, strolling along as if on a sunny beach, rather than tap dancing over her grave. Ares leapt from his throne and stood erect, the movement sharp with anger.

"_Do not tempt Me! _I have had enough of your antics. Now explain yourself."

"Explain myself," Diana looked puzzled. "About what, my Lord?"

Ares balled his fists to physically prevent himself from reaching out and shaking her like mad. Lightning formed at the tips of his fingers, causing Diana's raven curls to crackle with energy.

"Diana. I am only going to say this _once_ more. Explain yourself."

Diana sighed and started pacing in front of him. "There's nothing to explain. My motives are transparent as glass."

"Meaning that they reflect only what you _want _me to see! I don't appreciate being mocked, Diana. That _was_ your last chance. Say hi to Uncle Hades when you get there."

Ares casually lifted a hand, but Diana threw up her own first.

"No! Wait!"

Ares arched a black brow and lowered his hand simultaneously. "I'm listening."

"What is it you want to know Ares?"

"Everything."

Diana sucked in a breath and swallowed, looking edgy. Ares felt comforted by this somehow. A scared Diana wasn't exactly _his _Diana, but at least they were getting closer to her than perky, worshipful Diana.

"Well I guess it all started when you asked me to be your complimentor. I mean, at first I was mad -- obviously. I couldn't escape the irony of _you_ asking _me_ to be the one who comes up with nice things to say about you and to you. It was like Hercules asking Hera to babysit."

Ares half-smiled, but his eyes remained intense. He didn't say anything to interrupt her; still he seemed quietly amused.

"But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how wonderful you are," Diana continued softly. "I don't know how I could've been so blind to it all this time. It was then that I realized you are worthy of so much more. The other gods are jealous of you -- understandably, because they could never measure up. So they try to hide you, disguise the true potential of what you are capable of. God of _War_?" she scoffed and made a disparaging gesture. "Oh please! Prince of Olympus -- hell no. Even God of the Sea's not good enough for you!" She narrowed her eyes, folding her arms across her tightly laced bodice. "I won't stop 'til you are King of the Gods!"

_Tartarus!_

Ares own eyes widened. He had no idea how his scheming little gypsy intended to accomplish that, but it didn't bode well for either of their futures. Especially not with the foul mood Zeus was in. Another escapade spelled the end for both of them.

"Diana, I forbid it," he said shortly. He reached out and grabbed her by the shoulders, yanking her up the short steps to his throne so she was on level with him. He leaned down so they were on eye level, commanding her full attention. "I've had enough of this. Whatever you are planning, I _forbid_ you to go through with it."

Diana gasped. "But my wise and wonderfulLord, I only want to _help_ you!"

"No! No helping me! I forbid it!"

"But Ares—"

"No buts! Diana, this has gone far enough. I release you from the duty of being my complimentor. I don't want you to be my advocate any more!"

Diana lifted a brow. "Are you sure about that?"

Ares stopped. Something in her tone had changed. And the sickeningly sweet voice he'd grown so tired of just had a discordant --yet familiar-- ring.

"Diana?"

"Yes My Lord?"

"You put me through this whole act on to make me rescind my punishment, didn't you?"

There was clear triumph in Diana's eyes now as she replied smugly, "Yes My Lord."

Ares gritted his teeth. "I should kill you right here and now. Damned if I know why I even hesitate," he muttered grimly. "You do realize you are holding onto your life by a hairsbreadth, don't you?"

"Yes My Lord."

"Why don't I kill you?"

"Because you like me," Diana said, still smug. "I don't bullshit you Ares and you know that. It was a stupid idea to make me try. You like me just as I am and you don't _want _me to change. Not really. Now why don't you just admit defeat gracefully and let things get back to normal around here."

"'Normal' meaning you making my life hell with your little jokes?" Ares replied sarcastically. Diana only laughed.

"Maybe, My Lord."

Ares studied her a moment, trying to decide whether he was still furious or just amused. Frustrating as hell his gypsy was, but no one could say life with her was boring. At length he laughed mirthlessly and nodded a concession.

"Very well. Normal it is. Stable duty -- six weeks," he winced with remembrance of Zeus' tongue lashing, "Make that eight weeks. No compliments necessary."

"Eight weeks? But Ares, that's hardly _fair_," Diana wailed. All saccharine emotion gone, she grabbed a gauntlet and tugged plaintively. "After all, the Poseidon thing was just a joke -- and I _did _do your laundry and polished your sword. I think I deserve at least a two week reprieve for that!"

"Eight weeks," Ares repeated firmly. "AND laundry day for two of them. I'll have you know Uncle Poseidon packs a mean punch." He rubbed his jaw meditatively and shot Diana a look. "If I bruise in the next 24 hours, the sentence jumps to ten weeks."

Diana sputtered helplessly. "Why you slimy, no good, flea bitten, minotaur-hugger! I'll get you for this Ares!"

Ares smiled deliciously. His laughter rang out, warm, confident and spine-tinglingly wicked.

"Welcome back, my gypsy!"

* * *


	5. 4

Hairdye & Vengeance & War Gods, Oh My! (Epilogue)

* * *

Ironically it ended where it began -- in the stables. Calipso strode in and smirked inwardly to see Diana leap to her feet, trying to pretend she wasn't just napping in an empty stall. When the gypsy saw Cal, she scowled and sank down again, wrapping her arms around her knees sulkily.

"Oh. I thought it was Ares."

"If I were Ares, I'd already have zapped you into next week. You know if he catches you napping, he'll tack years onto your already lengthy sentence," Calipso crotched down beside her friend and sprawled comfortably across a mound of clean hay, shifting until she found good spot. She laid her head back and heaved a contented sigh. Her hand stole out and found a long piece of straw which she chewed on while studying Diana reflectively.You know if he catches you napping, he'll tack years onto your already lengthy sentence," Calipso crotched down beside her friend and sprawled comfortably across a mound of clean hay, shifting until she found good spot. She laid her head back and heaved a sigh of contentment. A hand stole out and found a long piece of straw which she chewed on reflectively while studying Diana in silence.You know if he catches you napping, he'll tack years onto your already lengthy sentence," Calipso crotched down beside her friend and sprawled comfortably across a mound of clean hay, shifting until she found good spot. She laid her head back and heaved a sigh of contentment. A hand stole out and found a long piece of straw which she chewed on reflectively while studying Diana in silence.

"Di, I can't figure you out. You are either the single bravest or the single stupidest woman I've ever met."

Diana shot her a look. "Come again?"

"Why do you do it Diana? You know Ares always catches you. Why do you keep deliberately getting in trouble with him?"

For a long time there was no response. Calipso waited quietly. She had expected a flippant answer or for Diana to brush the question off. But she didn't. She seemed to be taking the question a lot more seriously than Cal expected her to.

Finally Di looked Calipso directly in the eyes. Her words were clipped and shaky. She really didn't sound like the gypsy Calipso knew at all. "Cal, do you remember how it was when we were kids? When a boy saw a girl that he liked, he'd pretend like it was no big deal. He didn't want to come right out and say that he liked her. That'd be embarrassing, especially if she didn't feel the same way. So he'd pick a fight with her instead. It was a discreet way to get her to notice him, plus he'd be singled out for her attention over all the other boys. If she reacted to him, he'd know the chemistry was mutual."

Calipso looked shocked. If she was following the direction of Diana's thoughts correctly, then this was a turn of events she'd never expected.

"So Di, are you saying -- you are doing the same thing with -- _Ares_?"

Diana looked embarrassed. She bit her lip before replying, acting edgy, not at all normal. "Basically -- yeah." Her voice became wistful. "Maybe I just wanted to be special to Ares. Maybe I wanted _him_ to notice _me._ Maybe I wanted to stand out from all his other priestesses." She laughed bitterly and Calipso swore she heard a tinge of regret in the laughter. "And I did -- didn't I? Oh yeah. No doubt about it. He _noticed me_ alright."

"But Di -- that's height of irony coming from you. Everyone knows you kick and fuss like crazy if Ares even comes into your breathing space. How can you turn right around and claim that you _are _interested after years of prevarication that you're _not_?"

"Because I know Ares too well to ever let myself get involved with him. I'll admit there is a side of me that understands him, is even attracted to his darkness. I'm a warrior through and through Cal; I have to confess that kind of power --the kind that Ares could give me-- is tempting. It's intoxicating to even imagine what it'd be like. I'd rule like a goddess, practically undefeatable." Diana stood upright, her spine stiffening with resolve. Her tone grew quiet, sober. "But that kind of power is corrupting and the price would be my soul. I may desire it Cal, but I know I'm not strong enough to handle it." She looked out the stable window and spoke soft and sad, "I'm not strong enough to handle _him!_ But there are times Cal, times when I can feel his lonely soul aching. It cries out to me through the aether. And those are the times when it's impossible for me not to love him."

Calipso sighed and stood as well. She came up behind her friend and laid a hand on her shoulder. "Then what is it you do want from him, Di?"

"I'm not sure." Diana stared at nothing, her mind whirling with confusion. Her feelings were Ares ran deep, but it was unclear to her what exactly they were. At times it was hard to know whether she loved him or hated him. He mystified her, amused her, tormented her, frustrated her -- how could one define a relationship like that? He drove her crazy most of the time, but there were days when she wanted to reach for him and never, never let go. It was a mercurial emotion and it changed daily. It was a love as confusing and mysterious as Ares himself.

"I guess I just want his attention," she concluded finally. She turned back to Calipso and saw the concern mirrored in her friend's blue eyes. Diana smiled and wrapped her arms around the hind, hugging her gently. "Aw Cal, you are an awesome friend, but you don't have to worry about me. I've handled my feelings for Ares for eight years now -- I'll be just fine. The best thing is just not to let him ever find out the truth."

Calipso smiled, hugging her friend back. "If you say so Di. But I'd be careful about provoking Ares more than you need to. You are one of my closest friends. I'd hate for you to end up caught by a trap of your own making."

Di laughed as she released her. "If you are such a good friend, would you give me a hand in here? Only two stalls left to go."

"Yeah ok. But only because you get in trouble more regularly than Strife changes his underwear and this might be the last time I ever see you."

Di winced, deciding not to ask how Cal knew that tidbit of information and tossed her a pitchfork instead. "First one to finish their stall gets a free drink next time we are in Athens."

"You're on."

"Hey, I wouldn't be getting too confident now. You forget I've had tons of practice at this."

Calipso smirked. "And _you _forget that I am a goddess, Di." She waved a hand and the stall was whistling clean within the blink of an eye. Diana gasped.

"Hey! That's cheating!"

"No it isn't Di. You didn't specify_ how _the stall was to be cleaned. You just said finish the stall and it's finished. Now pay up."

"Ohhh no! I don't _think_ so. You're the so-called goddess here; _you _can conjure up the money for drinks."

"It's the principle of the thing. I won, so don't be a sore loser. Pay up."

"Cal, you can just kiss my gavel. I'm not giving you a dinar."

The two left the stables, still arguing. Once they were gone, a shadow, etched in leathery black, separated itself from the darkness in the back of the stable. He stroked his goatee and smiled, a dark glitter in his fathomless, ageless eyes.

"So you want my attention, Diana? I think that can be arranged."

* * *

Finis (for now) . . .

* * *


End file.
